This is the first year my husband and I will be spending Christmas alone in our new home.
We are not curmudgeons. We do not hate our families. But this year, after moving into a new home, we wanted to enjoy it and begin forming our own traditions.
Once we realized what we wanted this Christmas to look like, it became clear that we would have to say the dreaded word.
No.
“No, we aren’t joining family Christmas this year.”
Perhaps you are also facing a “no” this holiday season. Maybe you want to say no to hosting Christmas dinner. Or no to babysitting your nephew. Or maybe, like us, you want to say no to a family gathering because your body wants or needs something different this year.
Hallmark movies and Christmas cards do not make this easy. They slowly wear down our ability to say no. According to holiday movies, saying no at Christmas is anti-joy, anti-love, and anti-Christmas spirit.
But what if saying no to family at Christmas was actually the most loving thing you could do?
Here is a gentle reframe that may help as you navigate boundaries this season.
A No to Them Is a Yes to You
If you are saying no to family at Christmas, some people may be upset. They wanted something from you that they will not receive. Your instinct may be to focus on their disappointment.
But what about your own needs?
How often this year have you put them aside? How many yeses have you said out of obligation that were really noes to yourself?
To them: Yes, I’ll pick that up at the store for you.
To yourself: No, I won’t go to that knitting class I wanted to try
Yes, I’ll cover that shift for you.
No, I won’t have dinner with my family tonight.
Yes, I’ll finish your chore.
No, I won’t take a rejuvenating bath or have any time to myself.
Too often, we say yes to others and no to ourselves.
This is your reminder that you are worthy of consideration too. Sometimes a no to others is a yes to you. And you deserve yeses as much as anyone else.
A Yes Said Out of Obligation Is Not a Real Yes
Imagine saying yes to something you are already dreading, purely out of obligation. How do you think you will show up?
Speaking from years of experience as a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you this. You will show up smiling, but with a tight jaw and a tense neck. Beneath the surface, you will feel irritated and resentful.
You do not want to be there.
You do not want to be doing this.
You would rather be in bed, resting.
But you show up anyway.
And the hardest part is that people sense it. Your energy is off. Your body keeps the score. You leave exhausted and depleted, and others walk away feeling that something was not quite right.
Because it wasn’t.
You were out of alignment with yourself.
Is it really worth showing up out of obligation if this is the cost?
What My Medical Leave Taught Me
When I became so unwell that I had to go on medical leave, I learned a powerful lesson.
For years, I had been saying yes to far too much out of obligation. I graded papers all weekend. I neglected basic self-care. I ate poorly, relied on wine to relax, and slept terribly night after night.
My body kept score until it finally forced me to say the ultimate no.
“No, I can’t come into work.”
When my doctor signed me off, it was a wake-up call. Had I said no sooner, had I listened to my body earlier, I may have caught the warning signs before reaching that point.
But I didn’t.
Today, my philosophy is simple. If it is not an enthusiastic yes, it is a no.
Even when it comes to family.
Even during Christmas.
If it is a no, it is a no.
If you are burnt out, overwhelmed, and quietly wishing you could say no this holiday season, I hope this helped.
Here is your gentle reminder that saying no to family at Christmas can be wise, loving, and deeply necessary.
Not that you need permission.
Warmly,
Patricia Robson
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